My name is Starr and I am a 37 year old mother of an 18 year old daughter and 14 year old son. However, this is not how my story actually begins. Let me take you all the way back to my conception. My mother was a single, never married woman who had 3 children before I was conceived. My mother was one of five children. She grew up in a household with both parents. Two of my oldest siblings were being raised by my mother’s aunt and the other sibling was being raised by his father’s family. All of the siblings, up to me had different fathers. At the time of my conception in April of 1975 she was 24 years old and addicted to drugs and fast hard living.
Now, some of the details have been confirmed (through documentations) and some are from the family that raised me. Here begins my story. My mother got pregnant with me and continued in her addiction/illness (drugs). She sought someone who could perform an abortion in the very early phase of the “legalization” of abortion. The abortionist she chose was either back alley, inexperienced or maybe both. She went on about her life, thinking she had ended mine.
One day (February 25, 1976) she was at home, which was my grandmother’s house and thought she had to relieve herself and ended up giving birth to me on the toilet in my grandmother’s bathroom. Her uncle’s wife and two daughters were there. My mother tried to flush me down the toilet as she was surprised that I was here and was also high off drugs and probably freaked out. She may have even thought I wasn’t alive. My mother’s uncle and wife (the one there when I was born) adopted me and then my brother in September of 1977. They raised us as their children.
We never really had a relationship with our mother, even though we lived with her family and in the same city until I was 12 years old. I realize, now that my mother had a disease but when I was a child I had no respect for her. I felt abandoned and could not understand how a woman could have 7 children and not raise one. I never really felt any resentment about her trying to end my life, I just felt rejected, abandoned and unwanted. For most of my life that is how I felt and I made life decisions based off those feelings. For many years these words repeated in my head. “Your own mother didn’t want you, she thought you were waste”.
When I became pregnant with my 14 year old I was pressured to have an abortion. I was not happy about the pregnancy, it was very much unplanned and I was already a young mother of a 4 year old. When I tell you that all things worked against me going through with that I really mean ALL things. From me being in denial for months that I was actually pregnant, to being too far along but then finding a place that would do it and then my sons father (who was in favor of the decision) flat out refusing to take me the morning of the procedure (which was the very last day I could have it done).
I ended up having my son 2 months premature the month after I was to have the abortion. He weighed just 3 pounds but was a fighter from day one. He did not need any assistance breathing or eating or anything for that matter. All he needed was to live. He gained 2 pounds and was released from the hospital. I am so thankful to God that I did not go through with that abortion because now I realize that my son is truly a gift from God. He is the apple of my eye. He is the best, most well behaved, well mannered, loving, smart, funny, athletic, talented and handsome young man a woman could even dream of having. God blessed me far more than I could ever deserve, especially considering the choice I almost made. I would have also had to deal with the guilt of doing the same thing my mother tried to do to me…take away my right to live.
My mother passed away just 5 months after I gave birth to my son, before I had the chance to reconcile with her. Looking back over my life, I have always been a very strong and resilient person and I admit that was in my own strength. It was because I had built a wall as a defense mechanism. Shortly after my mother’s passing I was introduced to the love of God.
I gave my life to Christ and through much soul searching I found it in my heart to forgive my mother. I realized that my mother was diseased and was unknowingly being used by my enemy to destroy me….but it didn’t work.
I have talked to many women who have made this choice because they thought it best but they end up living a life of regret, shame and guilt. Some women hear phantom babies cry and have to deal with awful shameful thoughts of what they have done to their child. Just like the adversary to encourage one to do something so heinous and then condemn them over and over for something he enticed and encouraged them to do.
Two of my favorite scriptures relate to my experience. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future and Jeremiah 1:5: “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.”
God had a plan for me before I was even born so much so that He orchestrated these events. He had His hand on me and His grace is, has been and will be sufficient (another one of my favorite scriptures (11 Corinthians 12:9). This is not only true for me but for my son and every other living being…BEFORE we are even in our mother’s womb, REGARDLESS of any and every situation or circumstance that leads up to our conception He has a plan for each and every one of us and to fulfill that plan we have to live! This is not only my story but the reason I am Pro-Life.